Bopril

Mother's Day

Dear Rowan,

Today is our first Mother's Day together. For a long time, this was a bittersweet day because while I loved celebrating all of the amazing Mommies in the world, I was waiting for you, and this can be a rough day for mommies who are waiting.

I have said it before and will say it countless more times, but when you arrived, you took my dreams and wishes and waiting and you blew them all away. Nothing could have prepared me for you. This love is a special kind of wonderful, and I will be grateful every single day stretching all the way to forever.

On THIS Mother's Day, I watched you on the monitor for a while and then I snuck down the hall and opened the door to your room and you grinned from ear to ear. There is just no feeling or gift in all the world that could ever top that one. You made me a Mommy, sweet girl, and it really is a dream come true. Thank you for that and for today and all the days that follow.

I love you,
Mama

Random Thinking on a Chilly Saturday in April

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such an ardent thinker. Does that even make sense? All the thinking can be really heavy, and there are days (and weeks and months) when I really struggle beneath its weight. But there are also days when the thoughts are lighter and I can skip along, carrying them with little effort. That's just the way it is in this busy brain of mine, and I've come to know it, like home. I'm ok with it, really I am, and yet sometimes I do still wish I wasn't such an ardent thinker.

And then I stumble upon words like these:

"Sometimes I dream of a tree, and the tree is my life.

One branch is the man I shall marry, and leaves my children.

Another branch is my future as a writer and each leaf is a poem.

Another branch is a glittering academic career.

But as I sit there trying to choose,

The leaves begin to turn brown and blow away

Until the tree is absolutely bare."

-The Tree of Life, Sylvia Plath

And even though I read them years ago having discovered and devoured most things Plath in high school (thank you, Ms. Light and the first of many beloved AP English classes), they still kind of undo me. Because even though I'm an ardent thinker, and even though I relate to those words as if I wrote them myself, I don't think or write that clearly, that lyrically, that truthfully.

I don't want the leaves of my tree to blow away while I'm busy trying to choose. 

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I was digging through photos while writing R's nine month post the other day and I realized just how rarely I've picked up my camera in the last year. I really need to work on that. As much as I adore my iphone and as often as I capture our life with it, I believe that there will come a time when I will really treasure the photos taken with the "real" camera. So I guess I'd best start taking a lot more of them.

Lately, I've been thining about knitting. Who knows why. It seems like a cozy habit, peaceful and rhythmic. Truthfully, I'd likely make an abysmal knitter, but I've got a random inkling to give it a try. MIL, if you're reading, perhaps you'll share tips? :)

++++++++++++++

Baby Girl is peeping on the monitor signaling the end of naptime. There's no cohesive way to end this ramble, and so I will just go.

Until next time.

TGIF

I can't recall the last time I was so happy to see a weekend. That's really telling because I am ecstatic at the arrival of every weekend.

The universe has been keen to tell me something these last couple of weeks, and I still haven't quite been able to translate the message.

The air feels a bit heavy all around me, and gosh, am I ever tired. But you know, tonight I cranked up Fun on the laptop and danced around the kitchen with my girl for 40 good minutes. I sang to her and then completed the bedtime routine before enjoying pizza and wine with my Mom. That whole sequence of events felt really good. And now I am going to bed. Maybe I will listen to the universe and its incessant whispering tomorrow.

Maybe.

Happy weekend, friends.

A Year in Books

I began 2012 with a goal of reading at least two books each month. I knew going in that it would be challenging since I was having a baby halfway through the year, but I thought that setting a firm goal would at least help me get some of my beloved (and lapsed) hobby back. That turned out to be true. Some months I exceeded my goal, and others I read nothing at all (see: the colicky months with R), but when I look back at the year as a whole, I’m thrilled to have absorbed so many wonderful works and to have discovered a few new authors that I love.

I have similar hopes for 2013 and have already read two books, so I’d say I’m off to a good start. Any year in the company of books is a very good year, indeed.Because I love a good book recommendation more than anything, I thought I’d briefly summarize what I read in 2012 in case you’re on a reading journey of your own.

January: I kicked off my goal strong and devoured five books this month. I continued my Anne Lamott love affair with Grace Eventually: Some Thoughts on Faith, discovered Tana French and immediately tore through In The Woods, and The Likeness, did some laughing and pregnancy humor courtesy of Belly Laughs which a friend gifted me, and picked up my first Jonathan Tropper in the form of This is Where I Leave You. It was an excellent month for reading, because I loved all of these, in very different ways (obviously). I’d recommend any of them.

For some reason, I skipped February altogether. I can’t think of a decent excuse for why this was the case, but there it is.

March: I got back on track this month and tore through five books at lightning speed, thanks in no small part to our Florida babymoon and its glorious expanse of reading beneath the umbrella with my toes in the sand. I continued to love Tana French, and read Faithful Place, and tackled (and quite enjoyed, to my surprise) the Hunger Games series including Hunger Games, Catching Fire and Mockingjay. I followed that up with more Anne Lamott in the form of Operating Instructions: a Journal of my Son’s First Year, which—as an expectant (first time) mom – was my favorite “parenting book” by far.

April: this month, I read three very different novels and I really, REALLY loved all of them. The first was A State of Wonder which is not my typical jam and was unlike most books I’ve read in recent years, but I found the story and characters engrossing and I was sorry when it ended. I discovered Cheryl Stray after that with Wild, and I’m pretty sure I tore through it in two sittings, completely unable to put down her engrossing, gritty, real memoir. She tells a vivid and amazing story with her writing, and really, those are the best books to read. Lastly, on multiple internet recommendations, I dove into John Greene with The Fault in our Stars, and oh, how I loved this novel. I ugly-cried and laughed and truly mourned when I turned the final page and knew it was over.

May: hugely pregnant and increasingly uncomfortable by the end of this month, I didn’t do a ton of reading and the reading I did was of a (ahem) light nature. Oh fine, I read the 50 Shades trilogy and much like the Hunger Games (and yet nothing like it at all), I really enjoyed it. For posterity, I read Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed. I hear there are movies in the works. I may or may not have to see those films. That decision may or may not depend entirely on who is chosen to play Christian Grey.

June: this month was a frenzy of finalizing work related things, readying our home and lives for a baby, and then actually having a baby on the month’s final day, so no huge surprise, but I managed to read only one book, and (shock!), it was another Anne Lamott. I read Some Assembly Required, which was a lovely journal of her grandson’s first year, following in the footsteps of the book she wrote about her son’s first year. I had the pleasure of reading both in the same year, and together, they paint a lovely and REAL picture of what’s it is like to love a child and raise a child and all that comes with both. I finished this book while laboring at the hospital. Apropos, yes?

July: in the early weeks and sleepless haze of new motherhood, I was able to continue my reading hobby while my precious bundle slept away large chunks of the day. It will probably surprise no one that the first two books I read that month were The Happiest Baby on the Block, and The Happiest Baby: A Guide to Sleep. Appropriately versed in soothing techniques for baby, I returned briefly to Tana French with the disturbing but still great Broken Harbor, and then jumped on the Gillian Flynn bandwagon with Gone Girl. Spoiler: I didn’t love this one like most did, but I didn’t fully hate it, either.

August: we began our colic filled journey this month, but before it swallowed us whole, I managed to sneak in one more book, and it was another treat from John Greene, Finding Alaska. While it wasn’t as awesome as TFIAS (see above), I enjoyed it very much.

September and October were eaten alive by colic and the management of colic (along with a few road trips here and there), and November was my big return to work and adjusting (ha) to our new normal as a family. Needless to say, nary a book saw the light of day during those three months.

I ended the year getting back to my twice monthly book goal, and in December, I read Help, Thanks, Wow, another gem from Anne Lamott and Tiny Little Things, which was a very engrossing compilation of advice column entries from Cheryl Stray. I learned that she authored such a column under the name “Sugar,” and it is a testament to her writing and powerful ability to tell stories that I read this one, as I’m not a fan of advice columns in general, and would never have willingly signed up to read a book that was a compilation thereof. That bias aside, I adored the book, and found myself wanting more, more, more!

2012 was an action-packed year, and in doing this little recap, I’m thrilled to realize that amidst its chaos, I was able to tackle more than twenty good books.

And now I am appropriately inspired to load up the Kindle app with treasures for 2013. Happy reading!

ReMEMEbering 2012

I contemplated not doing the end of year meme this year, but then figured, what the hell? These are insanely long, so I'm attempting to be as brief as possible this year. :) Cheers to a great 2012 and an even better 2013.

1.  What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? Had a kid. That was pretty monumental.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Didn't really make them, but wanted to live with more intention, and I think I did for the most part (maybe). Have been thinking about a couple of sort-of resolution type thoughts for 2013, not sure that I'll make them per se, though.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Um, me. And also Rebekah. It has been so awesome to do this motherhood thing at the same time.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, and I'm thankful as all hell to be able to say that. 

5. What places did you visit? Florida for our babymoon, Morgantown, the lake, all our usual haunts. No elaborate trips this year, and that was A-ok.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? Not a damn thing, really.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? June 30, the day we finally met our baby girl.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Keeping our gal alive and thriving, surviving colic. :)

9. What was your biggest failure? Ugh, consistent fitness. Oh, and I flunked on my reading at least two books a month goal, too.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Colds, sinus ickiness, allergies, but otherwise healthy and incredibly grateful for that blessing.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Sound machine, baby swing, lots of wine. Oh, and we bought our first house, so there's that, too. :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Husband's as always. The man is kind of a saint. And Rowan. Despite a rough start with tummy issues galore, she's just an angel. She really is.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A lot of folks on Facebook. It was an election year. Oh, and all of those a-hole politicians who said the horrific things about issues of consequence for women. Ugh, just ugh!

14. Where did most of your money go? Mortgage, baby, savings, nanny (damn).

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Becoming a Mama, getting to know my daughter.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012? Not sure…the Wheels on the Bus? :)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? So very happy.

b) thinner or fatter? I guess not technically fatter since I was pregnant last year, but dude…too fat for sure. 

c) richer or poorer? Probably a bit poorer. Babies are expensive!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Writing. Picking up my camera (and actually learning to use it). Going for walks. Stretching (literally and not so literally). Giving myself a break. Trusting my instincts.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying about things beyond my control, second guessing myself, complaining. 

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2012? At home in Chicago with our girl and my family. It was magic.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012? So hard, and like never before. With a blue eyed baby named Rowan. 

22. What was your favorite TV program?  Homeland. The Good Wife. Parenthood. Newsroom.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2012? Exact same as last year: shared dinner with Husband, blew out candles, snuggled my fur babies, talked to friends and family far and wide, and gave thanks for another amazing year. But this year, I was also thankful for sweet Baby C, cooking away in my tummy.

24. What was the best book you read? I started the year with the goal of reading two books per month. Some months, I far exceeded this, others I didn't quite make it. And after July, well there really wasn't much reading of any kind. :) I loved Wild, The Fault in Our Stars, This is Where I Leave You, Broken Harbor, Faithful Place, Operating Instructions, Some Assembly Required, The Woods, The Likeness,  and State Of Wonder in particular. I also read both the Hunger Games Trilogy and the 50 Shades of Grey series and quite enjoyed both. So sue me. :) I have a few books to get to yet on my beloved Kindle and hope to find time to pick back up my beloved reading hobby in the year ahead. I miss it quite a lot.

25. What did you want and get? A perfect, healthy baby girl.

26. What did you want and not get? Nothing. I'm far too blessed to give much thought to this question.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? Our long treasured movie habit was curbed quite a bit once the baby arrived, but we managed to see a few. A recent favorite is The Silver Linings Playbook. Just brilliant. I know there were more pre-baby, but I can't recall them at this moment, so there you go.

28. Did you make some new friends this year? Sure did. And I need to invest more of my time in my friendships this year. They're such amazing lifelines, and I need to nurture them a bit stronger.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I suppose I could go lofty and say world peace and I wish the horrible gun related tragedies hadn't struck so many communities, but here at Casa Carretta, things were as they should be and I have zero inclination to change a thing.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? Hmm, from pregnant to newly postpartum to just…uh…softer and STILL postpartum, I'll just go with clothed and leave it there.

31. What kept you sane? Books, music, walks, the fur babies, Husband, my parents, dear friends, good wine (after baby, of course).

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Ugh, celebrities. Moving on.

33. What political issue stirred you the most? It was an election year, so all the usual suspects were there: the economy, healthcare, education, the environment, women's issues, equality for my gay and lesbian friends, etc. 

34. Who did you miss? My best girlfriends, my parents & brother, extended family. It's hard living far away from those you love most, especially when a new baby arrives.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. I learned that I am resilient. That I can do more than I originally thought. That most of the time, my instinct won't lead me astray. And that I can also ask for help, and am so lucky to have a long list of folks who run to my side when I need them most. And also? I learned that the things in life that REALLY matter? Are so worth the wait and whatever particular journey you had to embark upon to get there.

Happy New Year, friends.

Weekendings: Deck the Halls

I treasure weekends more than ever now. I soak up every uninterrupted moment with my girl, and this weekend served up so many of them.

The weather was perfect, and we had both Nana and great Aunt Suz in town, so little miss had a lot of excitement. We explored Millennium Park and took pictures at the bean, wandered up and down Michigan Ave on the day of the festival of lights, enjoyed takeout and yummy wine and early morning walks to Starbucks and family chats galore. Today, we busted out the holiday decor and decked the Casa Carretta halls for R's first Christmas. She seems to love looking at the lights, and I am so excited for the next few weeks and all the festivities we have planned.

Here's to a short work week and a very thankful weekend ahead.

Cheers, friends.

A Year, Our Year

Dear Rowan,

Exactly one year ago today, I first discovered that you were on your way into our lives and hearts. It was a very surreal day, and while I was excited and thrilled beyond measure, nothing could have prepared me then for the joy that you've brought to us, for the love I feel today. You're our treasured little miracle, sweet girl, and I know our fun is only just beginning.

I wrote a letter to you soon after we confirmed that you were on your way. I'm including it here so one day, you can know what joy your Mama felt when I first learned that we were going to meet. The letter was titled "At Last...Joy," and that's what it was. And it continues to be, 365 days later.

Dear Baby,

I’m kind of in a state of shock. Ok, not kind of --- REALLY in a state of shock. Three days ago, I found out that you just might actually exist. That as I sat there, you might be busy growing in my belly.  For years, I have wanted to just pee on a stick and see a positive sign, and on Friday, October 21, 2011, I did. Of course, I found it hard to believe. I rushed out and bought more tests and was a peeing machine for the next 48 hours (TMI? Sorry.). Six different sticks, all telling me that I might finally have found you.

Today, I went to the doctor for a blood test to confirm. A little while ago, I got the call that it was positive. I am in awe. Stunned, really. It’s all very surreal, and I’m not sure how best to move forward. I’m crazy excited, over-the-moon elated, but also white-knuckle terrified. I can’t bear the thought of losing you so soon after finding you. I don’t want to even have such thoughts, but my brain is stubborn that way.

It’s been a very long journey, little one, and we aren’t out of the woods yet. There are still milestones that we need to meet together, but if all goes well, you will rock our worlds in the most amazing way possible this summer.  It’s as if the grayest possible clouds lifted and now all I can see is sunshine for miles. I can’t stop smiling, and every now and again, I reach down and subtly touch you --- just a little reassurance that I’m out here doing my part while you’re in there doing yours. Because we’re an incredible team, you and me and Daddy (and Jack and Cooper, of course).

My heart dares to open all the way, now. It’s been half closed for so long, and it’s like looking directly at the sun after years of solitude in the dark. It stings a bit to stare directly into the light, but it’s amazing and magical and awesome at the same time. There is a push-pull of excitement and wanting to move forward, and of caution and wanting to just be sure…

But you know what? I’m bursting with joy at the mere knowledge that you exist at all. That you’re currently dwelling within me is the world’s finest miracle. I’m going to embrace that and color every minute of every day moving forward with you at the heart of it. All will point back to you --- my world’s orbit will be wrapped up in you, and joyfully so. I’ll think of you before I eat, before I drink, when I sleep, when I move around. We’ll be together always, you and me. For these next 35ish weeks, the adventure will be ours alone, the perfect primer to the relationship we’ll share once you grace us with your presence.

Keep growing like a beautiful little weed, won’t you? Keep sending those numbers skyward, stick in there good and tight, hold on for the long run. Because at the end of that journey is a terrific little family, one that loves you beyond measure. And oh, the fun we’ll have. I just can’t wait to get started. I honestly cannot believe I’m going to get the chance.

What a gift, a blessing above all others. I’ve never felt so awesome, never welcomed the future with more joy. My heart is literally yours, sweet one. Today, and forever. I’m so honored to have found you at last, and I cannot wait to meet you.

Mama

You've exceeded even my greatest expectations for what being a Mommy would be like, Rowsie Roo. Even though our journey hasn't always been easy, it's been the most profound experience to come full circle and realize that I was always supposed to be YOUR Mama, that you were always meant to be ours. We just had to wait a bit to find each other, and I'd do the whole thing all over again for this insane joy that is being Mommy to exactly you, Rowan Marie.

It's been an amazing year, the best and hardest of my life, and I can't wait for all that comes next.

I adore you.

Love,

Mama

Hands

A few times in my life, I have looked down and thought, "I have my mother's exact hands." And her hands are exact replicas of my Gram's hands.

Yesterday as I helped my girl drift off to sleep in the car, I saw the similarity again. And this time, it was especially cool to see. The same soothing hands, spanning generations. Genes are amazing.

I can't wait to see what her tiny hands will do.

Scenery

Bright and early tomorrow, we are heading for mountains that are hopefully exploding in fall colors. It's been way too long since I have seen the mountains of my childhood during my favorite time of year, and I'm beyond excited for the views, the family time, and the MUCH needed change in scenery.

Cross your fingers for us on that whole driving 8 hours with a fussy baby thing, won't you?

Sometimes you just need a different view to reset, you know? I think this is one of those times.

Happy fall Friday, friends. Hope your weekend is lovely and that the view is just what you need, wherever you are.

Vanishing

It's been a rough week at Casa Carretta. Kind of the perfect storm of anxiety causing craziness: Husband has been traveling for work, it seems that we aren't quite through with that bastard COLIC, the fur babies are running around and barking like fools, probably because they haven't gotten enough walks or playtime in the last few weeks, always being shushed and told to sit or lie down. No, I say again and again. The baby is sleeping. As if they understand. 

Enough of the wallowing; it hasn't been a great week so far, we all have these dips in our life cycles, and the pendulum will swing upward again, like it always does. Rowan will figure out her tummy stuff once and for all, and I know that one day, not too far from now, these early days will be a fuzzy memory that I will struggle to recall in stark detail. It is hard to see that far ahead from this far behind, especially in the midst of the colic phase, but life experience being what it is, I know that's the truth that waits for me farther down the road. In case you're wondering, I remind myself of this daily. Out loud.

You know that feeling when you read something at just the right moment in your day, just the right time in your life, and it feels like it was written for you, literally formed from your current day to day experience? That happened to me a few minutes ago. 

We had just returned from an evening walk, and when we got home, I fed and changed the baby, put her in her swing, fed the dogs, washed bottles and hurriedly fed myself before coaxing my girl to close her eyes for a much needed evening nap. I curled up on the couch to catch up with my google reader, and this was waiting for me:

The little boy started to fade, just like we left him in the sun too long. (…) He had been a ragamuffin, hurled into space by the seat of his pants. Suddenly, he shopped for shirts, and worried about his hair. He got too heavy to throw. (…) He turned twelve, then thirteen, and then the little boy just disappeared.
Just when you start to get used to it, to not minding it so much, it all vanishes, and the little boy you launched in the air stands at your shoulders like a man, and when you turn to say something you find yourself looking right into his eyes.

He is not helpless, not needy.

He is everything I rushed him to be.

My breath caught and my eyes filled with tears, because isn't that just the ultimate truth of this journey, no matter the particulars of each of our experiences? It all vanishes, and in a blink, we're on to the next. I won't lie and say that I keep hold of that perspective in the middle of a colic-screaming filled day, but I am making a conscious effort to take deep breaths, to try my hardest to keep my cool and remain in the moment. I will keep trying. This all goes so fast, and I don't want to rush her. 

The quote is from The Prince of Frogtown, a memoir about a man's relationship with his stepson, one that I'll be purchasing on my Kindle immediately. I discovered it via Sundry. And it was just what I needed at the end of three very trying days. Funny how that happens. :)